From The Office
by Lacrimosa Cruentus Luna
Summary: One day, Rukia was walking through the sixth squad barracks when she heard some strange sounds coming from Renji's office. What could Renji and Ichigo be doing in there to make such odd sounds!


**Author's note: **To What-if-it-was, if you read this then you should know that this is the deranged idea for a story I was telling you about. I still don't own Bleach and I probably never will, but hell, a girl can dream right? No? Oh, OK.

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Rukia was skipping happily along thinking about Chappy the Bunny when she heard a crash coming from the sixth division.

_Renji's office! _She realized and rushed to where it was. Just before she flung the door open, she heard voices.

"Hold still you damned Pineapple!"

_Ichigo? _What was he doing in Renji's office? Rukia stood by the door listening.

"It doesn't feel right," groaned Renji painfully.

Ichigo snorted.

"It'll only hurt for a minute," he said irritably.

"Hey Rukia-chan! How's—" Momo began as she walked by but Rukia grabbed her wrist and covered her mouth. Momo landed lightly by Rukia who whispered, "Shh! Listen!"

The two female shinigami listened and a loud gasp came from the room.

"Don't _do_ that Kurosaki," Renji growled. And Momo's jaw dropped.

"That sounds kinda…" she whispered and Rukia nodded.

"Yeah, I know" she whispered back and pulled out two juice boxes, handing one to Momo after helping her put the straw through as Ichigo so skillfully taught her to.

"What're you two doing by the—mmf!" Rangiku asked before being yanked down by the other two women who promptly pointed to the door just as a cry came out.

"It hurts!" Renji yelped. "You said it doesn't hurt!"

Rangiku choked on the sake she was drinking. Whatever Ichigo was doing to Renji momentarily stopped.

"Who would've thought that _Kurosaki _would be the dominant one," she commented.

"I'm not surpised," Rukia said shaking her head.

"It's really cool to do though," Ichigo insisted. "Everyone is doing it in the world of the living."

"Human society is sooooo corrupted," Rangiku muttered.

"Abarai-san is gay for Kurosaki," Momo whispered sounding amazed.

"I thought they both had the hots for you, Rukia," Rangiku said shaking her head.

"Abarai-kun is gay?" Kira demanded as he approached the girls who dragged him to the ground with them and in a whisper, they explained the situation.

"Oh my," Kira whispered and another sound came out of Renji's office.

"And I thought nothing would shock me after Aizen's betrayal," Rukia said so quietly no one could hear her.

"I don't want to," Renji said defiantly.

"You should," Ichigo said. The four other shinigami could pretty much _hear _Renji's scowl.

"Fine," he growled. "But only because it's cool."

"That's what I thought," Ichigo said smugly and picked something up from the floor.

"What does Kurosaki think?" asked Shunsui as he approached with Ukitake.

Rukia, Momo, Rangiku and Kira all exchanged glances.

"Renji and Ichigo are having gay sex in Renji's office," a wasted Rangiku explained shamelessly. Rukia slapped her hand to her forehead, Kira blushed and Momo snorted. Instead of seeming horrified, to two older captains sat down by the door and began to listen.

A harsh gasp came from the room.

"Ichigo…" Renji growled dangerously.

"It seems Abarai-kun isn't enjoy this too much," Ukitake noted.

"Unlike my lovely Nanao-chan and I," Shunsui said dreamily. Out of nowhere, the woman herself appeared and dragged her captain away by the ear, saying absolutely nothing.

When Mayuri approached, Rukia just beckoned the odd scientist forward with his fukutaicho and whispered exactly what was happening to him.

"Maybe they'll allow me to expirement on their child should one of them become pregnant by mutation," he said hopefully.

No one said anything to this.

And on and on it went, people from all districts came to the sixth for one reason or another until almost the whole Soul Society was listening in, even Hitsugaya-taichou.

"ICHIGO!" Renji yelled.

"DAMN IT RENJI!" Ichigo yelled back. A series of groans, thuds and yelps came then after. All was hilarious and fascinating in a disgusting way until—

"What exactly is going on in the fukutaicho office?" Kuchiki-taichou asked coldly. Everyone jumped.

"Renji and Kurosaki are all for each other, that's what," Ikkaku said with a snort.

"I highly doubt that it's very beautiful," Yumichika mused. With that thought in mind, he walked away to go find something that _was_ beautiful.

"And I thought _he_ was the gay one here," Rangiku said thoughtfully.

"It's in," Ichigo said promptly. Everyone anime sweat-dropped.

"What will his father say?" Urahara asked thoughtfully. No one bothered to wonder how he a Yoruichi had managed to get in the Soul Society unnoticed, nor did anyone care. They were too busy watching Kuchiki Byakuya's reaction. The stoic man had his eyes closed. Before he could open them, Ichigo and Renji opened the door and walked out.

"You'll still be our friend even if you're—"

"Was it hot?"

"You can still get wasted right?"

"Your family wont mind and neither will we—"

Such comments met the two ruffled looking shinigami and they stared blankly.

"What we mean to say," Rukia said, stepping up, "is that it's alright if you guys…aren't, um, well—"

Ikkaku slapped Ichigo on the back and with a broad smile on his face said, "we don't care that you two are gay for each other," he said easily.

Ichigo and Renji finally came their senses.

"I was just piercing Renji's freaking ear!" Ichigo yelled furiously.

"Oh!" choused many voices and the crowd departed.

"I. Am. Never. Listening. To. You AGAIN!" Renji told Ichigo through gritted teeth.

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So I guess the moral of the story is don't let people pierce your ear when there are a bunch of people who take many things the wrong way around. Or maybe it's just that people with messed up minds should not be allowed to write….


End file.
